Hilarious quotes relationships

Hilarious quotes relationships DEFAULT

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george burns funny love quote

We've all heard that love is patient and love is kind, but have you ever thought about how hilariously funny love can be as well?

As these funny love quotes from comedians prove, love can bring a chuckle, giggle, or a side-splitting laugh out of just about anyone you'll meet.

Thank heavens for comedians and their interesting outlooks on everything that goes on in our world! Being able to evaluate hard situations and find a sort of silver lining somewhere within it all is truly a gift. And it's something we can all learn from because it's important to remember not to take everything too seriously.

There's a funny thing about love and relationships... and it's called everything. Thankfully, some of our favorite comedians can relate, and we found the best funny love quotes they've spoken or written to prove it.

Not only are these quotes about love hilarious, but they're also 100% spot-on, and from some of the world's most famous, influential people to date.

Here are the 100 best funny love quotes from comedians that perfectly nail the hilarious side of relationships.

1. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell

RELATED: 100 Inspirational Love Quotes That Say Exactly What 'I Love You' Means

2. "I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand

3. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner funny love quote

4. "If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back." — Chelsea Peretti

5. "Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing." — Natasha Leggero

6. "Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." — Bill Maher

7. "You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah

8. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." — Oprah Winfrey 

9. "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner

Rita Ruder funny love quote

10. "When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee 

11. "Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." — Franklin P. Jones

12. "As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy." — Ralphie May

13. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much for it?" — Jean Illsley Clarke

14. "When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain." — Mark Twain

15. "I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels

Felicia Michaels funny love quote

16. "A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." — Tim Allen

17. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." — Garry Shandling

​18. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni​​

19. "The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

20. "When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life." — Richard Lewis

21. "Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you." — Megan Mullally

Megan Mullally funny love quote

22. "You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." — Henry Youngman

23. "There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower

24. "If you love them in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love them at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love." — Miles Davis

25. "Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." — Fran Lebowitz

26. "Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe

27. "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" — Lily Tomlin

Lily Tomlin funny love quote

RELATED: 150+ Best Love Quotes That'll Make Anyone Believe In True Love

28. "Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld

29. "Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache." — Mae West

30. "Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin

31. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers

32. "My husband forgot my birthday and my anniversary. I didn't feel bad. On the contrary. Give me a guilty husband any day. Some of my best outfits come from his guilt." — Betty Walker

33. "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein funny love quote

34. "The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband." — Ambrose Bierce

35. "I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always." — David Young

36. "Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you." — Helen Rowland

37. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." — Shirley MacLaine

38. "By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." — Socrates

39. "My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips

40. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." — Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler funny love quote

41. "Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there." — George Burns

42. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." — Groucho Marx

43. "The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing." — Blaise Pascal

44. "If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books."— Alan King

45. "My wife and I were happy for 20 years — then we met.

46. "You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark

Melanie Clark funny love quote

47. "You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." — Dr. Seuss

48. "What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds." — Cindy Garner

49. "Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery." — Fulton J. Sheen

50. “I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho

Margaret Cho funny love quote

RELATED: 72 Short Love Quotes That Explain Everything You Feel

51. "If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz

52. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." — Richard Pryor

53. "I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell

54. "The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl

55. "I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin

56. "Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard

Jules Renard funny love quote

57. "The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle

58. "I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer

59. "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." — Plato

60. "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." — Chris Rock

Chris Rock funny love quote

61. "My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield

62. "I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney

63. "Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest." — Professor Irwin Corey

64. "My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning." — Ray Romano

65. "Love is a two-way street constantly under construction." — Carroll Bryant

Carroll Bryant funny love quote

66. "Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."— Joan Crawford

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67. "True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal

68. "What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday." — Cindy Garner

69. "People should fall in love with their eyes closed." — Andy Warhol

70. "True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld

71. "My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor." — Elayne Boosler

Elayne Boosler funny love quote

72. "A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished." — Zsa Zsa Gabor

73. "Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy

74. "An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." — Agatha Christie

75. "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener." — Pauline Thomason

76. "It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." — Lucille Ball

77. "Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements." — Kathy Mohnke

Kathy Mohnke funny love quote

78. "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt." — Charles M. Schulz

79. "Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses." — Thomas Dewar

80. “I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling

Mindy Kaling funny love quote

81.​ "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris​

82. "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met." — Steven Wright

83. "Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly

84. "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein

85. "Love is the same as like except you feel sexier." — Judith Viorst

86. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers funny love quote

87. "Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else." — Jean Kerr

88. "I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx

89. "He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle." — Ring Lardner

90. “A kiss may not be the truth but it is what we wish were true.” — Steve Martin as Harris Telemacher in "L.A. Story"

Steve Martin funny love quote

91. "Women love a self-confident bald man." — Larry David

92. "If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski

93. "Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." — Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller funny love quote

94. "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." — Jackie Mason

95. "Love is sharing your popcorn." — Charles Schultz

96. "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings." — David Sedaris

David Sedaris funny love quote

97. "Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery." — Erma Bombeck

98. "My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner

99. “It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings

Whitney Cummings funny love quote

100. "Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey

RELATED: 60 Love Quotes Guaranteed To Make You Feel Things

YourTango brings our community of readers, writers, thought leaders, and the world’s leading relationship and mental health experts together to connect and engage where it matters most: the heart.

Sours: https://www.yourtango.com/quotes/funny-love-quotes

Funny Dating Quotes and Love Sayings

Funny dating quotes? There’s a million of ‘em. Why? Perhaps no other topic in the course of human events provides as much fodder for humor as romantic relationships. It seems that folks just really don’t understand each other, and that makes it ripe for comedic insights.

So, no matter where you’re at with the dating experience, it helps to have a good sense of humor. With that in mind, here are some of our favorite, funny dating quotes. And, if you’re in a hurry, we start off with the Ten Best.

Ten Best Funny Dating Quotes

1.) My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
Emo Philips

2.) Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.
Andy Warhol

Jim Gaffigan quote on being single meme

3.) Isn’t it strange — when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
Jim Gaffigan

4.) I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Rodney Dangerfield

5.) I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

Dating a man is like flying a kite image

6.) Dating a man is like flying a kite. You only need to know when to wind up the string or let it out.
Jenna Alatari

7.) Workshops and seminars are basically financial speed dating for clueless people.
Doug Coupland

Funny Dating Quotations

Garry Shandling joke on his girlfriend image

8.) I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
Garry Shandling

9.) I don’t always know when someone is attracted to me, but when I do, it’s two years later.
Unknown

10.) There’s plenty of fish in the sea, I’m just no good at fishing.
Unknown

Funny Dating Sayings

  • Everybody knows the pressure of a first date: Searching for that perfect outfit. Hunting for ways to be engaging. Dissecting each detail when it’s over to check for mistakes. Dating can make even the most confident person lose his cool.
    Kelly Starling
  • Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
    Richard Jeni
  • I don’t make mistakes…I date them.
    Unknown
  • When he said he lived in a gated community, I didn’t consider jail as one.
    Unknown
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
    David Young
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
    Steven Wright
  • My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
    Emo Phillips
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    Groucho Marx

Online Dating Lines Funny

  • Online dating is like online shopping except you’re looking for people no one wants and it’s $50 a month.
    Phil Pivnick
  • Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out what from.
    Mae West
  • I saw a beautiful couple working out together, and couldn’t help but hope that someday I’d find someone who will hate them with me someday.
    Unknown
  • What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is there aren’t many job interviews where you’ll wind up naked.
    Jerry Seinfeld

If you have any ideas for additions to our Funny Dating Quotes page, please let us know via our contact page. Thanks.

Funny Dating Quotes image

Lovable Quotes

  • My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name “Lynn.” My old girlfriend’s name is Lyn, too, but she spells it “Lyn.” Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend’s name, and she can tell because I don’t say “n” as long.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • There’s only two people in the world you should lie to the police and your girlfriend.
    Jack Nicholson
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
    Steven Wright
  • Relationships are like triathlons which are also very stupid.
    Unknown
  • Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?
    Rita Rudner
  • Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
    Albert Einstein
  • Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.
    Susan Healy
  • Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.
    Scott Adams

12 Rules of Dating Video

Not Just Friends

  • My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I came back drunk.
    Unknown
  • I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn’t realize it was stupidity.
    Gracie Hart
  • I hate first dates. I made the mistake of telling my date a lie about myself, and she caught me – I didn’t think she’d actually demand to see the bat cave.
    Alex Reed
  • Definition of stalking: It’s when two people go on a long romantic walk together, and yet, only one knows about it.
    Unknown

Relationship Woes

  • My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.
    Rita Rudner
  • My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
    Joan Rivers
  • Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
    Richard Jeni
  • My father always said, ‘Be the kind they marry, not the kind they date.’ So on our first date, I’d nag the guy for a new dishwasher.
    Kris McGaha
  • Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
    Bob Ettinger
  • I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
    Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.
    Rodney Dangerfield

Check out What Becomes of the Brokenhearted and other top Motown Tracks.

Quotations About Dating

  • Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to the capitalist mode of production.
    Herbert Marcuse
  • What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
    Cindy Gardner
  • Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman.
    Oscar Wilde
  • I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a “date-date.” We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.
    Dave Attell
  • Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
    Chelsea Handler
  • Valentine’s Day is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it’s more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date.
    Roger Ebert
  • I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
    Tracy Smith
  • Note: These funny love quotes make great photo captions for friends and family.

Funny Sayings on Romance

  • To keep your marriage brimming; With love in the loving cup… Whenever you’re wrong to admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.
    Ogden Nash
  • Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serving you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
    Helen Rowland
  • There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach.
    Barbara Hower
  • I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    Rita Rudner
  • You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
    Henny Youngman
  • When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.
    Richard Lewis
  • Love, at first sight, is possible, but it pays to take a second look.
    Unknown
  • You’ll love these funny Social Distancing Pick Up Lines.
  • Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
    Richard Jeni
  • Romance is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
    Unknown
  • Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass.
    English Proverb
  • My father always said, ‘Be the kind they marry, not the kind they date.’ So on our first date, I’d nag the guy for a new dishwasher.
    Kris McGaha
  • Romance is like a Rhino, short-sighted, but always willing to find a way.
    Unknown
  • Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.
    Unknown

Romantic Thoughts

  • A kiss is a rosy dot over the ‘I’ of loving.
    Cyrano de Bergerac
  • What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.
    Pearl Bailey
  • My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.
    Rodney Dangerfield
  • True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
    Erich Segal
  • The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.
    Blaise Pascal
  • Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.
    Samuel Lover
  • An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
    Agatha Christie
  • Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.
    Unknown
  • Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.
    Fran Lebowitz
  • If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
    Alan King
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
    David Bissonette
  • It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it.
    Francois De La Rochefoucauld
  • If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.
    Fran Lebowitz
  • When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
    Molly Mcgee
  • Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
    Christopher Marlowe
  • I saw that you were perfect and I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.
    Angelita Lim

Funny Love Quotes

  • Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
    Joan Crawford
  • Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
    Unknown
  • I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
    Wendy Liebman
  • One day, some guy is gonna see me eating a whole rotisserie chicken with my bare hands in my parked car and think “That’s her, she’s the one.”
    Eden Dranger
  • Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.
    George Burns
  • You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.
    Albert Einstein
  • I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
    Zsa Zsa Gabor

Humorous Takes on Relationships

  • Dating is like pushing your tray along in a cafeteria. Nothing looks good, but you know you have to pick something by the time you get to the cashier.
    Caprice Crane
  • I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then, walk into a pole.
    Unknown
  • I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • I’ve been single for a while and I have to say it’s going very well. Like… it’s working out. I think I’m the one.
    Unknown
  • Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.
    George Burns
  • I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
    Rodney Dangerfield
  • Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
    Joey Adams
  • Current relationship status: I made dinner for two. Ate both.
    Unknown
  • Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
    Will Ferrell

— Mike O’Halloran

Mike is an author and co-founder of Listcaboodle.

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There just aren’t enough genuinely funny long distance relationship quotes out there, in my opinion. That old faithful: “This long distance relationship isn’t going to work: Fridge, you’re moving to my bedroom,” isn’t really a long distance relationship quote. It also isn’t really funny after the first couple of times you see it on on the quote boards.

Goodness knows all of us in long distance relationships can use a bit more funny in life, so I made it my mission this month to pull together a bunch of genuinely funny long distance relationship quotes.

Enjoy. Then send the link to someone else in a long distance relationship who could use a bit of funny in their day. Oh, and if I’ve left out your personal favorite, don’t forget to leave a comment and share it with us. The more the merrier.

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Funny Long Distance Relationship Quotes

“Definition of a long distance relationship: Inconveniently the most effective way to find out if you really love each other.”

funny long distance relationship quotes

“Whoever coined the term “absence makes a heart grow fonder,” was an idiot. Absence makes a bitch grow crazy.”

whoever-coined-the-phrase-absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder-was-an-idiot-absence-makes-a-bitch-go-crazy-75960

“You are formally invited to delight me with a surprise visit during the long weekend. PS. If you don’t, I will drive to you and kick your butt.”

“If anyone asks me “what is hell?” I would answer “Distance between two people who love each other.”

what-is-hell

“This message is to let you know that your girlfriend is having a hard time coping up with your absence. Maybe a gift will cheer her up.”

That, “You hang up first,” No, YOU hang up first” crap is really only funny the first two or three hundred times.”

hang-up-first

“I miss you like an idiot misses the point.”

miss-you-like-idiot-point

“I wish I could copy and paste you into my bed.”

“I am in my bed. You are in your bed. One of us is in the wrong place.”

funny long distance relationship quotes

“Aw, your boyfriend’s at work and you miss him? That’s cute. Try being in a long distance relationship and get back to me.”

boyfriend-at-work

“I know they say that only the strongest of couples can stay apart but, really, strength is overrated when it’s stacked up against togetherness. So get back into my arms.”

“If you think missing me is hard, you should try missing you.”

if-you-think-missing-me-is-hard1

“They say long distance relationships will teach you to communicate well… We should be mind-readers by now.”

should-be-mind-readers

“I miss you so much, that I can’t stop thinking about you no matter what I am doing. P.S., I wrote this message while I was on the toilet.”

“When something is missing in your life, it usually turns out to be someone.”

if-someone-is-missing-in-your-life

“I wonder why people still underestimate the authenticity of long distance relationships. I fell in love with his soul before I could even touch his skin. If that isn’t true love, then please tell me what is.”

i-wonder

“I love you. You also annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating minute with you.”

“The rules of long distance relationships should be the same as those posted at public pools: Walk, don’t run. And no diving in headfirst, even if the water looks deep enough.”

The rules for long distance relationships should be the same as those posted at public pools.

 

Image

“They say, true love doesn’t mean being inseparable. It means being separated and nothing changes. That’s bullshit. Things are going to change while we’re separated. WE are going to change while we are separated. But that just means I’ll have the grand adventure of learning to love new things about you when we’re together again. And I can’t wait!!”

they-say-true-love-separated

“Being in a long distance relationship is like being in school all over again: Distance teaches us to appreciate the days that we get to spend together and how to define patience. It reminds us that every moment together is special, and every second together should be cherished… And just like when I was in school, I’d rather skip class and kiss you in the stairwell.”

ldr-being-in-school1

“Him: “I miss you so much… When we finally get to be together, I’m never going to let you out of my sight again.” Her: “Aw, honey. I want to say that’s sweet.. but it’s actually sort of creepy.”

when-we-finally-get-to-be-together

“Want to learn how someone really handles frustration? Put them in a long distance relationship and give them a slow internet connection.”

want-to-know-how-someone-handles-frustration

“I just want you to be happy, that’s all I want. Well, that and here. And naked.”

“I wanted to send you something sexy, but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.”

send-something-sexy

“Long distance relationships: Great for birth control. Not so great for simultaneous orgasms.”

birth-control

“Long distance relationships are awesome because there’s no sex, so you can focus all your energy on long, accusatory phone calls.”

long-accusatory-phone-calls

“If your conversations are becoming 80% heavy breathing and 20% talking, that’s not a long distance relationship. That’s a free phone sex hotline.”

LDR Phone Sex Hotline

“Don’t you type at me in that tone of voice!”

portrait-of-an-online-argument

“Let’s just skip to the part where we get to spend the rest of our lives together.”

lets-just-skip-to-the-part

“I miss you a little too often, a little too much, and a little more every day.”

i-miss-you

“How do I know this long distance relationship is worth it? You are my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.”

how-do-i-know

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Sours: https://www.modernlovelongdistance.com/funny-long-distance-relationship-quotes/
31 HILARIOUS QUOTES THAT PERFECTLY DESCRIBE YOUR CRAZY RELATIONSHIP

28 Hilarious Relationship Quotes to Juice Your Love Life

28 Hilarious Relationship Quotes to Juice Your Love Life

Hilarious Relationship Quotes  Fight A Bear For You

I’d fight a bear for you. Not a grizzly
or a brown bear. Or a panda.
but maybe like a care bear?
i’d fight one of those sonsab*tches for you.
-unknown

Here’s a great rhyme to go with the hilarious relationship quote above… Relationships are tough, and so are bears. I’m sure there’s a tough Care Bear out there? 

Clever Relationship Quotes  Who To Marry

Marry the one who gives you the same feeling you
get when you see food coming at a restaurant.
-unknown

That’s why the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Clever Relationship Quotes  Handful

I know i’m a handful,
but that’s why you got two hands.
-unknown

Gotta hand it to ya… That’s a pretty clever relationship quote.

Funny Saying About Relationships  3 Main Hobbies

When you realize your 3 main hobbies include:
going to the gym, naps and food.
-unknown

As the saying goes… “You know you’re in a relationship…”

Funny Relationship Quotes For Him  Time Flies

I can’t believe it’s been a year,
since i didn’t become a better person.
-unknown

How time flies.

 

Silly Relationship Quotes  My 2 Faults

My wife says i have only two faults:
1. I don’t listen.
2. Some other shit she was rattling on about.
-unknown

What’s that funny saying about relationships again?

Witty Relationship Quotes  Going Shopping With Your Wife Or Girlfriend

Target cashier: “did you find everything you were looking for? ”
me: “first of all, i wasn’t looking for any of this. ”
-unknown

This witty relationship quote describes every shopping trip with your girlfriend / wife.

 

Funny Sweet Quotes  Ready To Party

Sold my halo for liquor, heels and some lingerie
-unknown

This girl is ready for relationship(s).

 

Funny I Care About You Quotes  Alcoholics And Weirdos

To my friends: shine on you crazy,
perverted, alcoholic weirdos.
y’all are my people.
-unknown

A toast to celebrate great friends.

Hilarious Quotes Relationships  Putting 2 Year Old To Bed

Putting a 2-year-old to bed who isn’t tired
is like putting your drunk friend to bed.
there’s singing to themselves.
requesting water.
incoherent babble.
crying.
some weird yoga poses.
hiccups.
and then they pass out.
-unknown

And that’s why you love them!

 

Hilarious Quotes Relationships  Impressing Some Girls On A Drunken Night Out

I’m pretty sure i had a good time last night…
let me finish reading the police report and i’ll let you know.
-unknown

They say alcohol is the grease that makes relationships go round…

 

Funny Saying About Relationships  Mom'S Bod

A body like this doesn’t happen overnight.
it takes pregnancy, some neglect and extra slices of pizza.
-unknown

There’s a funny saying about relationships making you fat… Yes it’s all true.

Hilarious Relationship Quotes  Best Response

Ex: i still love you.
me: i don’t blame you.

A great quote to use so your relationship that ended stays ended.

Hilarious Quotes About Relationships  Can We Talk

Relationships start with
“can we talk? ”
and end in
“we need to talk. ”
-unknown

This witty relationship saying sums it up nicely.

Clever Relationship Quotes  Heart

Dear heart,
please stop getting involved in everything.
your job is to pump blood. That’s it.
-unknown

One of many hilarious relationship quotes to repeat to yourself.

Funny Sweet Quotes  Relationships

A relationship without trust is like a car without gas.
you can stay in it all you want, but it won’t go anywhere.
-unknown

That’s another clever relationship until electric cars become mainstream!

Silly Relationship Quotes  Car Batteries

Marriage has no guarantees.
if that’s what you’re looking for,
go live with a car battery.
-unknown

Speaking of relationships and electric cars…

Boyfriend To Husband Quotes  Jealousy

A boy makes his girl jealous of other women.
a gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.
-unknown

Cute saying about healthy relationships.

Funny Relationship Quotes For Him  Who'S Right

In a relationship one person is always right.
and the other person is male.
-unknown

Another hilarious relationship quotes that puts men in their place.

Sweet Relationship Quote

If a girl argued with their boyfriend topless,
they would win every time.
-unknown

Clever Life Hack.

Hilarious Relationship Quote  Slow Internet

Before you marry a person,
you should first make them use a computer with slow internet
to see who they really are.
–will ferrell

Here’s one of the best hilarious relationship quotes to heed!

Relationship Quotes  Women Overthink

Women spend more time thinking about what men think,
than men actually spend thinking.
-unknown

Is there a right amount of thinking? 

Men Look At Womens Behind And Go Wow What An Ass. Women Look At Mans Face And Think The Same

This could make for a funny caption for online dating site.

Remember When She Cancels A Date She Has To. But When He Cancels A Date He Has Two.

The subtle differences in English language.

Dont Bring Baggage From An Ex Relationship Into Your Next Relationship…Unless You Want It To Be A Short Trip.

Wise sayings for long lasting relationships.

A Relationship Lasts Longer When Facebook Doesnt Know About It.

Hilarious relationship quotes for the modern era?

Todays Relationships You Can Touch Each Other But Not Each Others Phones.

Smartphones has turned everyone into a potential telepath!

Sours: https://thefunnybeaver.com/28-plain-hilarious-relationship-quotes/

Quotes relationships hilarious

Humor Relationships Quotes

Quotes tagged as "humor-relationships" Showing 1-30 of 194

Cassandra Clare

“Did you just kiss me?" Will inquired.
Magnus made a slip-second decision. "No."
"I thought-"
"On occasion the aftereffects of the painkilling spells can result in hallucinations of the most bizarre sort."
"Oh," Will said. "How peculiar.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

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John Green

“The venn diagram of boys who don’t like smart girls and boys you don’t wanna date is a circle.”
― John Green

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Helen Fielding

“When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich?”
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary

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Brandon Sanderson

“Vin: I don't know -- and it's all your fault, you know. I used to understand everything. Now it's all confused.

Kelsier: Yes, we've messed you up right properly.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Mistborn: The Final Empire

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Criss Jami

“I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

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Steven Wright

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
― Steven Wright

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“I'd rather have rabies than be in love."
"Why?"
"Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots.”
― Shelly Laurenston, The Mane Event

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Kami Garcia

“I wish I could print up a sign and tape it on my forehead. I OFFICIALLY DO NOT WANT TO KISS ETHAN WATE. NOW PLEASE LET ME BE FRIENDS WITH HIM.”
― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Chaos

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Julie James

“Boyfriend huh? I didn't realize we had taken things to that level."
"Oh, I'm sorry--this is my first undercover operation," Jordan said. "I'm a little unclear about the rules. Are we seeing other people in this fake relationship?”
― Julie James, A Lot like Love

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Julie Kagawa

“Names.
What’s in a name, really? I mean, besides a bunch of
letters or sounds strung together to make a word. Does a
rose by any other name really smell as sweet? Would the
most famous love story in the world be as poignant if it was
called Romeo and Gertrude? Why is what we call
ourselves so important?”
― Julie Kagawa, Summer's Crossing

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Nalini Singh

“Clay, if anyone followed anyone, it was me tagging along after you. I didn’t dare order you around.”

“Load of shit,” he muttered, but she thought she heard a softening in his tone. “You fucking made me attend tea parties.”

She remembered his threat before the first one: “Tell anyone and I’ll eat you and use your bones as toothpicks.”

~ Talin and Clay dialogue”
― Nalini Singh, Mine to Possess

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Emily Giffin

“He was uncomplicated and upbeat and easy. At one point, I might have thought these traits made him a simpleton, but now I think they just translate to happiness.”
― Emily Giffin, Baby Proof

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Janet Evanovich

“Ranger appeared in the bathroom doorway and I was too relieved to be embarrassed. "I appreciate you coming out in the middle of the night," I said.

Ranger smiled. "I didn't want to miss seeing you chained up naked.”
― Janet Evanovich, One for the Money

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“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”
― Carroll Bryant

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Washington Irving

“I profess not to know how women’s hearts are wooed and won. To me they have always been matters of riddle and admiration. Some seem to have but one vulnerable point, or door of access; while others have a thousand avenues, and may be captured in a thousand different ways. It is a great triumph of skill to gain the former, but a still greater proof of generalship to maintain possession of the latter, for man must battle for his fortress at every door and window. He who wins a thousand common hearts is therefore entitled to some renown; but he who keeps undisputed sway over the heart of a coquette is indeed a hero.”
― Washington Irving, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

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Margaret Mitchell

“It was this feminine conspiracy which made Southern society so pleasant. Women knew that a land where men were contented, uncontradicted ans safe in possession of unpunctured vanity was likely to be a very pleasant place for women to live. So, from the cradle to the grave, women strove to make men pleased with themselves, and the satisfied men repaid lavishly with gallantry and adoration. In fact, men willingly gave ladies everything in the world except credit for having intelligence.”
― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

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Inez Kelley

“Just because you're in the market for a minivan doesn't mean you can't test drive a hotrod.”
― Inez Kelley, Sweet as Sin

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Kendare Blake

“I smile quietly. She is with me all the time. I feel stupid now, for not seeing it sooner. But hey, at least we'll have this strange story to tell, love and death and blood and daddy-issues. And holy crap, I am a psychiatrist's wet dream."- Cas Lowood, Anna Dressed in Blood”
― Kendare Blake, Anna Dressed in Blood

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Anne Taintor

“She threw herself eagerly into the paths of unsuitable men.”
― Anne Taintor

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Jeffrey Eugenides

“Every letter was a love letter. Of course, as love letters went, this one could have been better. It was not very promising, for instance, that Madeleine claimed not to want to see him for the next half-century.”
― Jeffrey Eugenides, The Marriage Plot

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Junot Díaz

“Crying all the time had made her more beautiful. Grief will do that sometimes. Not for me. Loretta had left months ago and I still looked like hell.”
― Junot Díaz, Drown

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Lani Woodland

“How did I dance with a guy who's never heard of feminism?"
"I've heard of it, but that doesn't mean a woman can do everything a man can do," he goaded. I went to smack him on the back of his head, but he ducked with a snicker."I'm learning," he informed me. "How did I ever consider dating such a violent girl?"
"We're both lucky we got out early before we really knew each other."
"Oh yes, good thing neither one of is still interested in the other," Brent said with a playful grin.”
― Lani Woodland, Intrinsical

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David Sedaris

“I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.”
― David Sedaris

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Larry McMurtry

“I don't see how being married could be any worse than listening to you talk for twenty years, but that still ain't much of a recommendation for it.”
― Larry McMurtry, Lonesome Dove

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Tonya Hurley

“I see uncool people!”
― Tonya Hurley, Ghostgirl

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Wendy Higgins

“No more sex."

I blink several times at Anna as we stand outside the car the next morning. Have we been married long enough for her to say that?”
― Wendy Higgins, Sweet Temptation

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Anne Taintor

“Had she punished him enough? How could she be sure?”
― Anne Taintor

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Mary E. Pearson

“I suppose you're right about some perspectives. Just a few weeks ago, I thought you were a dickhead.”
― Mary E. Pearson, The Adoration of Jenna Fox

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Nalini Singh

“You‟re my mate. Think you can handle that?”
It was hard to speak with her heart bursting open. “Think you can handle me?”
“So long as you're gentle with me.”"
Emmett to Ria - Whisper of sin”
― Nalini Singh, Burning Up

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Jay-Z

“either love me or leave me alone."
— jay-z”
― Jay-Z, Decoded

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Sours: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/humor-relationships
Hilarious Responses To FLIRTY Text Messages!

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